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 Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'

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Archlord Adramelech
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PostSubject: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Tue Jul 20, 2010 11:42 pm

Because I felt like it was a bit too generic and there wasn't enough personality between Korah and Snow. Tell me what you think of the revamps, I want feedback.

Chapter 1 REVAMP
Spoiler:
 

Chapter 2 REVAMP:
Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Wed Jul 21, 2010 1:33 pm

I like the rewrite actually. It's pretty well put together.
I still like Firos better, since it litterally means ice. Its a north american native tounge that it comes from can't remember which.
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Wed Jul 21, 2010 3:55 pm

Its All great!, but i dislike this:

Quote :
Snow: I forgot to mention, I put a rather powerful spell on my weapon to prevent from being stolen. Anyone who touches besides me would be trapped in block of ice for all eternity, unless I say so.

Kinda Tears the fact that its extremely [or so] hard to wield both halfs of the Blizzard blade
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Wed Jul 21, 2010 3:58 pm

Flareblade wrote:
Its All great!, but i dislike this:

Quote :
Snow: I forgot to mention, I put a rather powerful spell on my weapon to prevent from being stolen. Anyone who touches besides me would be trapped in block of ice for all eternity, unless I say so.

Kinda Tears the fact that its extremely [or so] hard to wield both halfs of the Blizzard blade
Gonna have to agree with this.
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Wed Jul 21, 2010 7:08 pm

Snow Taradien wrote:
Flareblade wrote:
Its All great!, but i dislike this:

Quote :
Snow: I forgot to mention, I put a rather powerful spell on my weapon to prevent from being stolen. Anyone who touches besides me would be trapped in block of ice for all eternity, unless I say so.

Kinda Tears the fact that its extremely [or so] hard to wield both halfs of the Blizzard blade
Gonna have to agree with this.
Same here. Everything else is a lot better, though. I'm almost tempted to reanimate the chapters.

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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Wed Jul 21, 2010 11:41 pm

Korah Hyoutetsu wrote:
Snow Taradien wrote:
Flareblade wrote:
Its All great!, but i dislike this:

Quote :
Snow: I forgot to mention, I put a rather powerful spell on my weapon to prevent from being stolen. Anyone who touches besides me would be trapped in block of ice for all eternity, unless I say so.

Kinda Tears the fact that its extremely [or so] hard to wield both halfs of the Blizzard blade
Gonna have to agree with this.
Same here. Everything else is a lot better, though. I'm almost tempted to reanimate the chapters.

You should, an abrupt style change can easily warrant re-making the first 4 episodes. Just sit back and let Deux fix the scripts,

all alone.
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Thu Jul 22, 2010 12:16 am

Chaosvii7 wrote:
Korah Hyoutetsu wrote:
Snow Taradien wrote:
Flareblade wrote:
Its All great!, but i dislike this:

Quote :
Snow: I forgot to mention, I put a rather powerful spell on my weapon to prevent from being stolen. Anyone who touches besides me would be trapped in block of ice for all eternity, unless I say so.

Kinda Tears the fact that its extremely [or so] hard to wield both halfs of the Blizzard blade
Gonna have to agree with this.
Same here. Everything else is a lot better, though. I'm almost tempted to reanimate the chapters.

You should, an abrupt style change can easily warrant re-making the first 4 episodes. Just sit back and let Deux fix the scripts,

all alone.
Yup. All we would need to do is remake those sprites, and it'd work out fine. I've already got new SFX for it to make it look much better, and some new original soundtracks as well.

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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:35 am

One more thing that has bothered me for quite a while,

The line Deux proposed is this, based off Korah's original line.
I was 17 when the hunts happened, I was lucky to make out alive and nonetheless corrupted

There was no problem with this until I got to thinking about it. He couldn't be 17 because age isn't equivilant. Should be around this:

I was 126 when the hunts happened, I was lucky to make it out alive and nonetheless corrupted

Why? Two reasons:
1:
This age would be near equivilant to a human 17 as in terms of mental maturity, at seventeen he'd be like equivilant to a three year old human in mental faculty. ADD is f- OH WHATS THAT SHINEY LIGHT?!
2:
This age would be near equivilant to a human 17 as in terms of sexual maturity, which makes more sense as he meets Rachel shortly after his family is killed, his attraction to her is real, not just a you saved me I love you relationship. (They reach sexual maturity at around 135, give or take a year, and start puberty around 90.)
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Thu Jul 22, 2010 2:50 pm

I see what you mean Snow.

I'll fix that.

It's interesting to see that the Neodammerai and Angelis have a different age limit. Neodammerai fully mature roughly around the same time as humans but their complex biological functions keep them from aging any further, they never experiance cell aptosis?....I think that's how it's spelled? I thought Angelis sorta worked like Hellboy, when Hellboy turned 10 he was already a full grown adult...But then again he is the Beast of the Apocalypse who love pamcakes..


I'm working on 3 and 4 right now as we speak, I did to practice my writing. I'll finish writing 3 soon.
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Thu Jul 22, 2010 3:09 pm

Deuxelim wrote:
I see what you mean Snow.
Glad you do!

I'll fix that.
Kay then.

It's interesting to see that the Neodammerai and Angelis have a different age limit. Neodammerai fully mature roughly around the same time as humans but their complex biological functions keep them from aging any further, they never experiance cell aptosis? ....I think that's how it's spelled? I thought Angelis sorta worked like Hellboy, when Hellboy turned 10 he was already a full grown adult...But then again he is the Beast of the Apocalypse who love pamcakes..
It's Apoptosis, really close there. Anyway, yeah, Y'know how with humans, they age really quickly? and then when they are born, they slow down until puberty? With angelis, the slow continues for a long time, and they're bodies don't speed up nearly as much during puberty, and slow down even slower than before after, extending their lifespan by an incredible amount.


I'm working on 3 and 4 right now as we speak, I did to practice my writing. I'll finish writing 3 soon.
Can't wait to see.
Comments in bold.
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:55 pm

....
Not hitting puberty until age 90 would suck.

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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Fri Jul 23, 2010 1:38 am

Aiden wrote:
....
Not hitting puberty until age 90 would suck.

That'd be like being developmentally 3 for 9 centuries.

...Ho dang.
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Fri Jul 23, 2010 2:20 pm

On the bright side, Your Young for a long time! *shot*
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Wed Jul 28, 2010 12:42 am

Sorry for the delay, I've been exceedingly busy.
Chapter 3:
Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Wed Jul 28, 2010 6:43 am

I heart your rewrites deux.
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Thu Jul 29, 2010 5:19 pm

Snow Taradien wrote:
I heart your rewrites deux.
Thanks Snow, wanna be my editor?
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Thu Jul 29, 2010 6:26 pm

Deuxelim wrote:
Snow Taradien wrote:
I heart your rewrites deux.
Thanks Snow, wanna be my editor?
Sure.
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Thu Jul 29, 2010 10:10 pm

Snow Taradien wrote:
Deuxelim wrote:
Snow Taradien wrote:
I heart your rewrites deux.
Thanks Snow, wanna be my editor?
Sure.

Can I be the editor's editor?
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Thu Jul 29, 2010 11:36 pm

Chaosvii7 wrote:
Snow Taradien wrote:
Deuxelim wrote:
Snow Taradien wrote:
I heart your rewrites deux.
Thanks Snow, wanna be my editor?
Sure.

Can I be the editor's editor?
I suspose 2 editors won't hurt.
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Sat Jul 31, 2010 12:43 am

And here is Chapter 4:

Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Sat Jul 31, 2010 9:36 am

Deuxelim wrote:
And here is Chapter 4:

Spoiler:
 

Not much to fix in chapter four. I've highlighted the changes that couldn't be fixed by removing an errant word/letter. I will do the same for all three others. Good work so far.
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Mon Dec 20, 2010 10:53 pm

Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Wed Jan 12, 2011 4:29 pm

Added some stuff to Ch.2 about the Phanteghor:
Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Mon Jan 24, 2011 2:21 pm

Developed a rough draft of the script for Ch.5
Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'   Mon Jan 24, 2011 2:25 pm

Sounds good to me.

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Fixed the Script for some of TLOK's Chapters'
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